When you define your financial, emotional, and relational priorities from the start, you can make better decisions about which divorce process to choose, the overall settlement agreement you create, and identify what’s most needed for you long-term. When people first speak with me about divorce, they may initially want to focus on outcome-related questions, such as: How much will I pay or receive? Do we keep our own retirement accounts? These are truly important questions. However, before diving into specific numbers, it is often more helpful to clarify what truly matters most to you in the process and in your life after the divorce.
Divorce should not be a contest with a winner and a loser. In most cases, to reach a mutually agreeable settlement, both parties will need to compromise to a certain degree. The real question is not, “Who gets the biggest pile of assets?” Instead, it is, “Will I leave this process with what I genuinely need for my future?” To answer that question, it helps to begin with a different perspective.
Start with a Vision, Not Just a Settlement
Early in the process, I often ask people to describe their vision of their divorce once it is finished. Most people are not used to thinking this way. They often ask, “What do you mean by that?”
So, I follow up with questions such as:
- What do you hope you can say about your marriage and divorce when this chapter is over?
- When you look back later, how do you hope you handled this process? With bitterness and regret, or with integrity and clarity?
- If the divorce went as well as possible in your eyes, what would that look like?
It can be most helpful to focus on peace of mind,, and what you want your life to look like in the coming years post-divorce.
You will also need to consider possible roadblocks to achieving your vision. These could include emotional challenges such as anger or fear, financial concerns such as debt or limited income, relationship conflict, or practical issues like childcare and work schedules.
Thinking through these questions helps you identify your true priorities.
Control, Confidence, and the Process You Choose
Ask yourself a few key questions:
Do you want a process that gives you more control over time and cost? Many people prefer to avoid having a judge, who does not know them personally, make major decisions about their lives.
Do you want a process that supports constructive communication? For couples with children, the ability to communicate respectfully after divorce will be extremely important.
Do you want to feel informed and confident about your decisions, rather than simply feeling relieved that the process is finished?
As a divorce financial professional, my role is to help you see what your future might look like under different settlement scenarios so that you can compare those for differing outcomes.
Seeing Your Financial Future, Not Just Splitting Assets
Many people entering divorce share the same concern: “Am I going to be okay financially?”
This is where financial analysis becomes essential.
Important questions to consider may include:
- What will your future net worth look like?
- Are you receiving mostly liquid assets, such as investments, or liquid assets, such as a house?
- What will your monthly income and expenses look like after taxes?
- How might your financial picture change over time?
You want to ensure that you understand the long-term impact of today’s decisions.
The Reality: There Is Only So Much Money To Go Around
This is often one of the most difficult things to come to terms with.
After divorce, one household becomes two. Retirement savings that were once meant to support a couple now has to support two separate individuals.
This is particularly true in later-life or “gray” divorces. Pensions, retirement accounts, and other long-term assets must now stretch across two futures instead of one.
As a result, some people may need to adjust expectations, such as:
- Working longer before retirement
- Temporarily modifying their standard of living
- Being more intentional about spending and saving
These conversations can be uncomfortable, but they are essential to have.
Remember To Consider the Emotional Side of Divorce
Divorce is not only one of the largest financial transactions you will ever make, but it’s also of course a significant emotional and relational transition.
Some of the most important considerations have little to do with money. For example:
- Maintaining a healthy relationship with your children
- Being able to attend important family events without conflict
- Avoiding long-term bitterness or resentment
- Moving forward with your life instead of remaining emotionally stuck
Although these factors are difficult to measure, they often become the things people value most when they look back years later.
So again … what are the most important things to you, in your divorce?
Perhaps your answer now is not simply, “Who gets more?”
Instead, ask yourself, “Have I identified and protected what I truly need to move boldly forward in my life?
When you define success in your own terms and structure your decisions around that vision, you give yourself the best chance of leaving the divorce with something more valuable than assets: a future you can live with and feel confident about.
Contact Sand Oak Divorce Solutions
Visit this link: new CDFA directory, and take a look at my profile. My listing provides additional information about my background, training, and experience as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®), Military Divorce Specialist, and divorce financial planner. If you are researching financial experts in divorce, contact my office at (423) 305-6185 to schedule your complimentary initial strategy session.
